


A Town Worth Living For

by aflawedfashion



Series: You Always Come Back (Nolanda Reunion Fics) [3]
Category: Defiance (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, F/M, Female Friendship, Fix-It, Friendship, Happy Ending, Post-Series, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-05
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-08-19 02:28:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16525574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aflawedfashion/pseuds/aflawedfashion
Summary: As Amanda watches her best friend start a new relationship, she finds a reminder of her own lost love that sends her scrambling to come to terms with her feelings about what happened to Nolan while attempting to write a speech to inspire the town.





	1. Chapter 1

Sitting on the floor with her legs crossed at the ankle, Amanda leaned against the sofa and took the first sip from her freshly poured glass of scotch. Exactly what she needed. Setting the glass down beside her, Amanda narrowed her eyes as she watched Berlin cross her office with a smile on her face and a messy stack of paper in her hands. She looked happier than Amanda had seen her since, well... she had never seen Berlin this happy.

Defiance had been on the brink of collapse the entire time they had known each other, leaving Berlin more than a little on edge. She usually looked like the girl who gets in a fight in the bleachers, not like the girl who invites the whole cheer squad out for pizza after the game.

She wondered what could possibly making her smile so brightly. It couldn’t possibly be the task at hand. There had to be something going on in Berlin’s life that Amanda didn’t know about, and she was determined to figure it out.

“Do you ever clean your desk?” Berlin asked as she dropped the papers onto the coffee table between them with a thud.

“Of course I do.” Amanda reached for her scotch, avoiding eye contact with Berlin. Truthfully, she couldn’t remember the last time she had even opened most of her desk drawers, and if not for a professional cleaning crew, the dust bunnies behind her bookcase would have come to life by now.

Berlin sighed and plopped onto her chair. “I don’t believe you.” She picked up the first document on the pile. “Janitorial Staff Schedule: May 2042.” Berlin tilted her head to the side and looked at Amanda. “Were you even mayor in 2042?”

“No, I was not.”

“So, you’re honestly going to sit there, with no shame, and tell me that not a single person has cleaned out the bottom drawer of that desk in several years, through multiple regime changes?”

“How do you know that you’re not holding a document so important that every mayor since 2042 has been saving it for a reason?”

“Most of these people don't even work here anymore. What could anyone possibly need with this?”

“It could be written in a secret code meant to keep prying eyes like yours from understanding it.”

“Is it?”

Amanda smirked. “I don't know for sure that it isn't.”

Berlin rolled her eyes. “Do not keep this,” she commanded as she tossed it in a bin with the other rejected paperwork. “You would never cut it in the E-Rep.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“I didn’t mean it to be.”

“I know,” Amanda said. “You're having too much fun with this. You're... smiling a lot.”

“Better to be smiling than miserable and complaining. And besides, I enjoy torturing you.” Berlin flashed Amanda a smug grin. “You have no idea how much fun that can be.”

“Torturing me - that’s it? That's all that’s making you so happy? There’s nothing new in your life you want to share with me, your best friend?” Berlin could play coy all she wanted, but Amanda knew her well enough to know she wasn’t telling the whole truth. Something, or more likely, someone was putting that smile on Berlin’s face. “I know I've been busy lately recovering and trying to put the town back together. We haven't had much time to catch up.”

“You haven’t missed out on much.” Berlin grabbed the next paper from the pile. “Get well soon card from…” Berlin scrunched her face trying to read the chicken scratch handwriting in the card. “Mayor… Gal…”

“Mayor Gallagher,” Amanda said. “Lovely man from a little town nearby that fell just as quickly as it sprung up, but I'm not that sentimental. Toss it.”

“Spirit Rider Warning - 2046.” Berlin tossed the memo in the bin. “Nothing in this drawer is even from this year is it?”

“I would be shocked if anything was. If I put something in there that I actually needed, I would never be able to find it again.”

“I expect to find a classified warning about the impending Votan invasion by the time I reach the bottom of this pile.”

Amanda chose to ignore the judgement dripping from Berlin’s voice. “So, there’s nothing new at all in your life?”

“No. We’re still down a deputy and Nolan, so I’m spending most of my time in the lawkeeper’s office. Work keeps me busy.” Berlin looked up from her rapidly shrinking stack of paper. “And when I’m not there, I’m here cleaning your office for you while you sit on the floor, drinking scotch, and trying to gossip so you don’t have to do any actual work.”

“I can work and gossip,” Amanda said as she tossed a memo about something urgent that she couldn’t remember ever happening into the bin. Couldn’t have been that urgent.

“Do you work with deputy Poole a lot?” Amanda asked. She knew they had known each other since they were teenagers - grew up in the Earth Republic together.

“Sometimes, but he mostly works night shifts now,” Berlin said, either missing or ignoring Amanda’s suggestive tone. “He likes it because his boyfriend works nights too. That way they can spend more time together.”

Amanda frowned and took another sip from her glass. Nothing but dead ends in the quest to figure out what Berlin was hiding. This was harder than getting Datak’s men to admit to smuggling illegal weapons into the town - and they would rather kill themselves than face Datak’s wrath.

“These files aren’t even in any order.” Berlin held up a folder in each hand. “This one is from 2044, and it was on top of this one from 2046.”

“That’s because you’re cleaning out the drawer where I shove everything that’s in my way when I need the space in other cabinets and drawers.”

Berlin’s hands dropped to her sides. “Amanda, really?”

“Hey, I have more important things to do than organize old paperwork.”

“I should get paid extra for this,” Berlin said.

“You know what,” Amanda said. “You’re right. I’ll buy you a drink to say thank you - a drink for you and any of your friends who you might be spending more time with. It’s on me.”

“I spend most of my time with Irisa these days. She’s not a big drinker.”

“Irisa?” Amanda leaned forward, intrigued by the potentially exciting and unexpected development. The idea that Irisa and Berlin were hooking up made absolutely no sense, but it also made more sense that Berlin was sleeping with Irisa than anyone else Amanda could think of. They had an explosive chemistry that needed an outlet, and if they weren’t releasing it in a fist fight anymore...

“Yeah, I mean she’s a lawkeeper. I’m a lawkeeper. Kind of forces us together a lot.”

“Just at work… or do you guys hang out… after work?”

“Like I said, Poole’s working nights a lot now, so yeah, we…” Berlin paused as she inspected some old E-Rep documents before tossing them in the bin. “Yeah, I guess we get together after work sometimes.”

Amanda took a sip from her glass, studying Berlin’s expression for any juicy details, but she found nothing. Berlin’s concentration was entirely devoted to sorting through Amanda’s paperwork, but Amanda couldn’t care less about that. The desk hadn’t been cleaned in more than a decade. It could wait a little longer.

“I’m glad you’re not fighting as much anymore,” Amanda said.

“Yeah, me too.” Berlin tossed another paper in the bin, “I realized I couldn’t move on with my life if I didn’t forgive her, and she forgave me, so we… well, we got over it. And the truth is, she’s not half bad once you get to know her.”

“And you’ve gotten to know her well?” Amanda couldn’t believe Berlin hadn’t taken the bait yet. She was running out of ways to subtly coax Berlin into spilling her guts and was almost ready to bluntly ask if she was fucking Irisa in her spare time. It might be the only path to the truth.

“Meet me in the NeedWant.” Berlin read from a small scrap of paper, not answering Amanda’s question. “I want to forget today ever happened.” She turned the paper over. “This doesn't even say who it is from, so I’m just going to assume that they haven’t been sitting in a bar waiting for you for a few years.”

Berlin smiled playfully as she tossed the note in the bin without even bothering to ask if she should keep it. To Berlin, it was the most insignificant note she had seen all day - nothing compared to peace treaties and property negotiations, but Amanda’s entire body froze. She forgot all thoughts of prying into her friend’s love life as the pain of her own hit her like a bullet. That little note was one of the most valuable things in her entire office, and Berlin had thrown it in the trash.

She held her breath as she watched the note flutter into the bin, holding back the urge to catch it before it hit the pile. She wanted to protect it, but she couldn’t, not in front of Berlin, not without explaining what it meant to her, not without admitting to a level of sentimentality she didn't even care to admit to herself.

“Hey,” Irisa said as she rushed through the door. “Fight in the hollows. We need to get down there right now.”

“Coming.” Berlin stood and turned to Amanda. “I want at least half of these papers gone by the time I get back, ok?”

“Yes, mom,” Amanda joked, indescribably relieved by Irisa’s perfect timing. “Be careful,” she called after them as she gently retrieved the note from the bin, smoothing it against her hand. A shaky smile crossed her face as she traced her finger over the familiar handwriting. Tears stung at her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. There was no room for sentimentality in her life, not when she had a speech to give in two days.

She blinked her eyes dry and opened her favorite book to slip the note between the pages where it would be safe, where she could come back to it another time, a time when she could let herself feel.

Some people had love letters. Some people had photographs. Amanda had a note Nolan had pinned to her door one unremarkable afternoon last year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When Syfy auctioned off the props for Defiance, I bought the paperwork that was on Amanda's desk in season 3. It was an interesting mix of props from various episodes, including some pieces that were given dates long before the show started. That inspired the setting for chapter one.


	2. Chapter 2

There were days when Amanda wondered what it would be like to be as cold and calculating as a robot, free from the pesky human emotions that tormented her. Or, more accurately, she wished for the ability to turn her emotions on and off like a light switch. As much as she hated how tears stung at the corners of her eyes every time she felt the slightest twinge of sadness or regret, she had always been terrified of letting the world destroy her soul like it destroyed so many others.

So she maintained appearances, feigning complete control. She held her head high in public and numbed the pain in private, crying alone in her apartment or her office, away from those who would call her weak. She drank, and she got high because she was too soft for this world. That’s what her mother told her. That’s what her advisors told her. 

But she was also too hard. That’s what Connor told her. That’s what her sister told her. She struggled her entire life with the knowledge that she would never be the woman the world demanded she be - the woman who flawlessly balanced society’s expectations - strong enough to earn respect as a mayor and vulnerable enough to earn respect as a woman.

After many years of struggling, she had finally decided that for better or worse, this was who she was. She would never again fight to be someone else, so with a glass of scotch to one side and her latest speech to the other, Amanda sat in the NeedWant, embracing her newfound confidence while ignoring the heartache that threatened to tear her down. 

She told herself that loving someone wasn't a weakness, that she could be strong and still fight the tears that threatened to fall whenever Nolan crossed her mind, but she was exhausted by the pain. Despite her resolve to embrace her overly emotional self, she didn’t know how to be happy with the knowledge that she would lose everyone she would ever love.

After everything she had survived, everything she had lost, and everything she had sacrificed, she felt the universe owed her something in return. It owed her Nolan. Ever since she found his note tucked away in her desk, she couldn’t shake the memory of his lips on hers, of how she let herself believe in happily ever after, just for a moment. 

“So, did you finish cleaning your desk while I was gone?” Berlin asked as she slid into the chair across from Amanda.

“What?” Amanda asked as she refocused her eyes, brushing the hair out of her face, and smiling to cover her shaky confusion. “I mean, Kind of.”

“Kind of?” Berlin arched an eyebrow.

“I was working on it when I remembered that I will be giving an inspirational speech to this entire town in just three very short days. Hundreds of people listening to me, only me. Not falling flat on my face with nothing to say seemed more urgent,” and cleaning gave her too much time to think. “I’ll get back to it when I have more time.”

“Yeah.” Berlin rolled her eyes. “Of course.”

“If you keep rolling your eyes at me, I will reconsider this friendship.”

“I’m already reconsidering this friendship now that I know you cannot clean to save your life.” 

“To save my life, I would do many things, even clean my desk,” Amanda smirked, grateful for a lighthearted distraction. “Until my desk becomes a life or death matter, I’ll take my time.” 

Berlin stared straight ahead, her lips pursed, judgemental words bubbling under the surface. 

“You want to roll your eyes again, don’t you?” Amanda asked.

“Yes!”

“Ok, before we ruin this friendship, new topic.” Amanda slid her glass away and turned to Berlin. “Has anyone ever written you a love letter?” 

“No.” Berlin chuckled like the whole idea of love letters seemed entirely preposterous as she ordered a drink from a passing waiter. “Why?” Her eyes lit up with the realization that the question had nothing to do with her. “Did someone write you a love letter?”

“No,” Amanda shook her head more vigorously than necessary. “Well, at least not recently.”

“Ok, start talking,” Berlin demanded. “Is there a juicy story you’re neglecting to tell your best friend?”

“I don’t think I’m the one keeping a juicy story from her best friend.” Amanda nudged Berlin with her shoulder and playfully arched her eyebrows, but Berlin ignored the bait. 

“They were from Connor,” Amanda continued, shrugging her shoulders in defeat. She thought maybe if she shared enough about herself, Berlin would return the favor, and finally tell her who she was seeing. “And the letters were… sweet.”

“Did you keep them?”

“No,” Amanda shifted her gaze to the table,  ancient feelings pushing their way to the surface. “I abandoned everything about that relationship in New York the day I headed west.” 

“Because you're not that sentimental.”

“Exactly,” Amanda said. They both knew it was a lie. 

“Do you ever wish you kept them?”

“Honestly, no,” and that was the truth. “I kept a single photo. In it, we had these naive, hopeful smiles on our faces, still grateful to the E-Rep for giving us jobs instead of leaving us to starve in the streets. That was before I started to see through their shiny facade, before we started fighting because he believed the E-Rep was the only way to achieve anything, and I thought they were trying to destroy what remained of society.”

Amanda paused, apprehensive that Berlin would argue in defense of the E-Rep. She had never entirely abandoned the E-Rep’s ideals, and they occasionally still argued about it, but she didn’t say anything, so Amanda continued. “Now that he’s gone, those smiles are the only thing I want to remember about our relationship. And as for the letters… he wrote those when he wanted to make things right between us, and it worked for a while. I stayed because of those letters, but in the end… well… let's just say I don’t need a reminder of everything that went wrong.”

“I get that.”

“Yeah. It was the right thing to do.” Amanda forced a smile on her face, tears stinging at her eyes. “But from the right person, I would have kept them.” Her voice cracked, and she cringed at herself.

“Oh.” Berlin looked down, pity washing over her face. “And the right person is lost in space.” 

Amanda nodded, resisting the urge to pretend she was fine. If she was genuinely done trying to become the unachievable ideal woman, she wouldn’t hide her feelings from the people she cared about, not anymore.

“I’m sorry,” Berlin said. 

“Me too.” Amanda took a deep breath, calming her nerves. “I knew I started depending on him more than I should have, but I didn’t think I’d miss him this much. I mean, I’m ok… mostly. When I don’t think about him, I’m fine, but when I do, I can hardly resist punching a wall.”

“That’s normal.” Berlin squeezed her hand. “You loved him.”

Amanda nodded in silent confirmation. She had never said it out loud, not even to him, not even when he practically asked her to. “I keep repeating that I don’t need anyone, that I can be happy on my own, that I can meet someone new, and that’s the truth, but the thing is... I don’t want to meet someone new. Not a single night person in this entire room has any appeal to me. I just want him.” 

Berlin took a deep breath, visibly surprised at Amanda’s honesty, intense compassion in her eyes as she said, “He’s not dead,” and Amanda almost ruined the mood by laughing. She knew how much Irisa believed that to be true, but unlike Irisa, Berlin’s voice was hollow and inauthentic as she made the claim. A poor attempt at soothing Amanda’s broken heart with false hope. “You never know,” Berlin added, “he could come back, and you could make him write you love letters.” She always was a poor liar.

“Nolan would never write a love letter.” Amanda smiled into the distance, conjuring up an image of Nolan writing dozens of failed poems, and tossing them into the trash as they failed to live up to his romantic notions. “Not his style.” 

“I think you mean it’s not your style.”

Amanda glanced skeptically at Berlin. “I know you two had your little fling, but I know him better than you do,” she said with more force than intended. “And Joshua Nolan was not the type to write love letters.”

“Ok, maybe you’re right. Maybe he wouldn’t put the words on paper, but I was the one stuck in a mine shaft with Nolan when he was desperately trying to save your life. I was the one who saw the fear in his eyes as he fought for you when everyone said you were dead. And you know what he did?”

“He didn’t give up on me,” Amanda said. “He never did, even when everyone else already had.”

“Not only that,” Berlin said. “He kept calling you in the darkness to tell you he was coming, kept encouraging you to hold on when he knew damn well you couldn’t hear him.” Berlin looked into Amanda’s eyes. All the bullshit-false-hope behind her earlier words had disappeared. “The things he said to you were better than any love letter.”

“I wish I had been able to hear him.” Amanda‘s entire body cringed with a sharp surge of regret, the kind of regret that ran so deep even 10 years of therapy and enough scotch to fill an ocean couldn’t erase. “But instead of telling him how I felt, I was such a mess that kissing my rapist actually seemed like the right thing to do.”

“Pottinger,” Berlin said his name like she was biting on a lemon. 

“Yeah.” Amanda tried to say his name, but couldn’t. “Him.”

“If I had known he was such a creep, I would have shot him myself, but I thought he was… I don’t know. I guess I just thought he was a self-obsessed narcissist who was too focused on himself to even think about anyone else, much less put hidden cameras in their bedroom.” She shuddered. “We spent so much time together. He was my mentor.”

“At least you didn’t kiss him,” Amanda said. 

”No, I didn’t, but hey, blame the oxygen deprivation.” 

“Ugh.” Amanda winced, her eyes closed as she said, “I can’t believe I couldn’t see the truth about him.”

“You weren’t the only one who spent a lot of time around him," Berlin said. "None of us knew."

“Knew what?” Irisa asked as she pulled up a chair beside Berlin.

“How big of a creep Pottinger was,” Berlin said.

“Oh,” Irisa shifted uncomfortably in her seat like she regretted joining their conversation. "That."

“Yeah,” Amanda sighed, feeling the way Irisa looked.

“Why would you talk about him?” Irisa asked. “Let him die and be forgotten.”

“We were discussing love letters,” Amanda answered. “And-“

“He didn’t write you love letters did he,” Irisa interrupted with the most disgusted look Amanda had ever seen from her.

“God no,” Amanda said.

“Good,” Irisa said. 

“But what do you think?” Berlin asked Irisa. “Love letters? Are they romantic or not?” 

“They’re only romantic when they’re heartfelt and spontaneous,” Irisa said. ”You can’t force them, but that’s what too many people do.”

Amanda raised her glass in agreement as Berlin said, “Wait, wait, wait.” Her eyes lit up with excitement. “Have you written love letters?” 

“Once,” Irisa said nonchalantly before adding “I was 12,” when she noticed the amused looks Amanda and Berlin were giving her.

“Twelve?” Amanda arched an eyebrow. “I could hardly write anything at 12.”

“I always wrote,” Irisa said. “And I fell in love for the first time when I was 12. I mean I thought it was love.” She shrugged her shoulders. “I was wrong.”

“Forget writing at 12,” Berlin said. “I couldn't even begin to guess what love was until I was 25.” She frowned and scrunched her nose. “And even then… I’m not sure what we had was really love - too much jealousy and gun violence. And then there was, well, the people I loved or I think I loved, but who didn’t love me back or our relationship crashed and burned so hard that I sure as hell hope that’s not how relationships are supposed to go.” Her frown deepened. “Ok, with every second I spend thinking about this, I’m convinced that I’m 30 years old and couldn’t even tell you what healthy love is, only fucked up, messy, or one-sided love.”

“Good,” Irisa said, sneaking a flirtatious smile to Berlin that Amanda figured she wasn’t supposed to notice, but absolutely did. “That makes us even.”

“Don’t you think that means we’re doomed?” Berlin asked as she reached for her drink. “Destined to repeat our mistakes?”

“No, I think that means we’ll have more fun.” 

“Holy shit.” A grin broke out across Amanda’s face. This was precisely what she needed to forget about her own disaster of a love life. “I knew it!” 

Berlin closed her eyes and mumbled “shtako” under her breath.

“I’m confused.” Irisa glanced between Amanda and Berlin. “Why are you acting so weird.”

“Berlin’s been trying to hide that something was going on between the two of you,” Amanda said. “And she’s been doing a terrible job.” 

“Not so terrible,” Berlin said with a smug smile. “It’s been going on for months, and you only noticed this morning.”

“I was stabbed! My town was falling apart! I was busy!”

“You should have told me it was a secret,” Irisa said. “I can keep secrets, but I have to know they’re secrets.” 

“It’s not a secret,” Berlin said. 

“Then why do you care that Amanda knows?” 

“I don’t know,” Berlin shook her head and glanced toward the ceiling. “I… I guess because it’s weird.” 

“Why?” Irisa asked. “Because I’m an alien?” 

“No, it’s not that,” Berlin scrambled to recover her rapidly imploding relationship. “It’s that our messy romantic pasts involve the same man. And then there’s Nolan. It’s at least a little weird for us to hook up. You can’t tell me that it isn’t.” 

Berlin glanced at Amanda for backup, but she shrugged and said, “I never knew you were so old world.”

“What?” Berlin asked. “Me?”

“Oh, please,” Amanda said, glancing between the confused women in front of her. She hated the expectation that she was a prude just because she didn’t have an extensive list of lovers. “Half the people in this town have slept with my sister. If I avoided everyone she’s slept with, I’d have missed out on things I’d never trade for the world.”

“Yeah... I know... It’s just hard sometimes,” Berlin said, her voice barely above a whisper. “Hard to accept how much everything’s changing, and let it be ok that it’s changing.”

“Fine,” Irisa said, turning to leave. “If that’s what you think, then why are we wasting our time? I’m not going to be the woman you’re ashamed of.”

“That’s not what I meant at all. Irisa, I-” Berlin’s face fell as she grabbed her hurt lover’s arm, but Irisa pulled away and sulked off to a table at the back of the room. 

“Shtako,” Berlin said, resting her head on the table.

Amanda patted Berlin’s back. “You just fucked that one up.” 

“I know.” Berlin sat up straight and turned to Amanda. “I’m a chupping idiot.” 

“Do you like her?” 

“Can I be honest with you?”

“What do you think I’ve been trying to get out of you all day?”

“It wasn’t supposed to be serious,” Berlin said. “Conrad was the only person I’d had sex with who I hadn’t paid for in a long time. I just wanted to know someone other than my asshole ex still wanted to fuck me for me and not my scrip, you know? And she was there, and she was hot, and we were getting along for the first time ever… Next thing I know I’m actually falling for her, and I don’t know what to do. I didn’t plan for this to happen.”

“Ok, you want my honest advice?”

“Yes, please,” Berlin begged. “Just tell me how I’m supposed to fix this.” 

“Tell her the truth. All of it, even the words that make you feel uncomfortable or vulnerable to say out loud because if you don’t speak up now, you’re going to be sitting alone in a bar wondering why you never took your chance when you had it.”

Berlin nodded, and they both turned back to see a night porter flirting with Irisa. A twinge of regret flashed across Berlin’s face.

“Yeah, you’re right,” Berlin stood, taking a breath as she summoned her courage. “There’s no point in hiding the truth that I’m falling for my ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend who he loved more than he loved me. It’s fine. It’s strange. It’s fine and it’s strange.” She laughed and shook her head in embarrassment. “And the strangest part is that I kind of wish I could tell him I finally realized what he saw in her. She’s strong and smart and has read all the books my favorite films were based on.” 

“Sounds like someone you shouldn’t let go of.”

“And I don’t want to.”

“Go get her.” 

“Thank you.”

“One more thing,” Amanda added. “If she turns you down, if she goes upstairs with any one of these night porters, decides she likes Alak for more than his cute kid, or kisses that intern who has been making heart eyes at her every time she comes into my office, don’t poison them.”

“Firstly, how many people in this town are into Irisa? Secondly, what the hell are you talking about?” Berlin asked. “Why would you think I’d poison a night porter, Alak Tarr, or some 18-year-old nerd with a crush?”

“Look, I know it sounds ridiculous, but the last time I was sitting in this bar drowning in self-pity because I couldn’t be with Nolan, I gave someone the same advice I just gave you, and she tried to murder her competition.” 

“Treasure Doll?”

“Yes,” Amanda said. “Don’t be Treasure Doll.” 

“You know, I hadn't thought about it,” she smirked. “But now that you mention it… murder truly is the most efficient way of getting rid of your competition.”

“Ha ha, very funny,” Amanda said. “Just promise me, ok. I need you to promise me.” 

“Don’t worry. I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this edition of Sex and the City: Defiance, the one where female friends work through their love lives together


	3. Chapter 3

“Lovely evening isn’t it?” asked a man whose name Amanda couldn’t remember as he fell into step beside her. He might have introduced himself as James. Or John. 

She regretted not making a stronger effort to remember his name, but she hadn’t realized it would matter when they first met. At the time, she thought he was another obnoxious businessman stopping in Defiance to visit the NeedWant, not to do any actual business. Men like that were a constant in the town.

“Yes. Lovely evening,” Amanda replied politely, too politely. As much as she wanted to tell him off for buzzing around her like a wasp since he arrived a week earlier, she didn’t have the luxury. He was a big shot with money to invest in her town, money that could finally make Defiance a desirable place to live again.

“Almost as lovely as you,” he added through a boyish smile that contradicted the graying hair on his temples. 

“Thank you,” Amanda said in a practiced, political tone as if he had just complimented her on the state of her finances.

“Wow, you’re a hard one to impress.”

Amanda smiled and nodded. “I just know what I want,” and it wasn’t him. 

“So, what is it that you want?”

“A happy, prosperous Defiance.” She smiled smugly, burying her insolence behind a veneer of naivete. “I just want my people to be happy and safe. It’s been a hard couple of years for all of us, and we’re still recovering.”

“Are you saying your job is your entire life?”

“Yes,” she replied without hesitation, more truth and pride in the statement than she was entirely comfortable with. 

“Oh come on. You don’t honestly expect me to believe that. You must do things for fun.” He flashed her a flirtatious smile, more domineering than playful. He was hunting her, trying to win her like a prize. “Something to blow off steam, relieve a little stress.” 

“I work out,” Amanda said, growing increasingly annoyed by his overly confident swagger. “Great stress relief.”

“You know that's not what I mean.”

Of course she did. He was as subtle as a hellbug. “You haven't actually told me what you mean.”

“Then let me be frank.” He stepped in front of her, forcing her to stop in the middle of the street. 

“I have places to be,” Amanda said with an impatient sigh as she shifted her feet in a failed attempt to get around him. 

“You’re a busy woman. I get it.” He placed a hand on her bicep, blocking her path with his tall frame and broad shoulders. “So let me get right to the point. You like good scotch. I have money. A lot of money. I can buy you the best scotch in the NeedWant, the best meal at the best restaurant, the best everything.” 

She narrowed her eyes.

“And I do mean everything,” he added with a wry smile.

“Such confidence.” She leaned towards him, feeling the heat radiating from his body, taunting him with a flirtatious look and a long pause before adding, “And your little display of opulence might work on someone desperate enough to sleep with you for your money, but I make my own money. I certainly don’t need you to buy me a drink. Or anything else.” 

“Ouch,” he said.

“The truth hurts.” She patted him on the chest like a dog. “Now if you’ll excuse me. I’m going to go buy myself a drink. With my own money. At the NeedWant. Which I own.”  

“That really all you have to say to me?” 

“No,” Amanda said, logic winning over emotion. “In two days I’m giving a speech to this town. I want you there, among the people. I want you to see this town is worth investing in.”

“I thought you said you don’t need my money.”

“I don’t, but these people do. I’m not asking you to give your money to me. I’m asking you to invest in them. Not charity. Not payment for sex. Business.” She turned and left him standing in the street without bothering to know his answer. 

With a satisfied smile on her face, she walked directly into the NeedWant where she ordered a glass of scotch and gulped it down with pride. Her money. Her scotch. Her town. She just hoped her speech would be good enough to win him over without the promise of anything more from her.

“How drunk is too drunk?” Amanda asked the bartender as she stared into her nearly empty glass. “I don’t think I know anymore.” 

“You’re nowhere near that point yet. You’re not even slurring your words.” The Castithan woman swept her bobbed pink hair behind her ear and leaned across the bar. “And don't worry, sweetheart, I’ll let you know before you’ve had too many.”

Amanda froze, the word hitting her like a grenade. Every time she thought she had herself under control, the smallest thing sent her flailing, set her nerves on fire.

“You ok?” The bartender asked, confusion crossing her delicate features. “I’m sorry if the flirting was too much. I was just doing my job. You know how it is in here. I Didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I know, and I’m the one who should be apologizing. You didn’t do anything wrong. This is all on me.” Amanda smiled apologetically. “I just don’t want to be called sweetheart. Anything but sweetheart.”

“Sorry... honey.”

“Thank you,” Amanda said. “Honey… no one calls me that.”

The woman flashed Amanda a breezy smile. “Well, now I do.”

Amanda furrowed her brow at the easy way the woman spoke to her like she was just another nobody at her bar, another chance to earn some extra scrip before the weekend. “Do you know who I am?” Everyone knew who she was, that she was the mayor, that she didn't go for night porters. It felt almost foolish to ask.

“Nope. Just moved to town,” she said. “But I’d gladly get to know you.” 

“You’re cute,” Amanda said like she was talking to a child and by the looks of things, this woman was probably about Alak’s age, practically a child in Amanda’s eyes, but nonetheless, she had an undeniable charm that would make her sister proud.

“Apparently not cute enough,” she pouted, her eyes wide in a failed attempt at stirring Amanda’s most basic desires… or stirring pity maybe. Whatever it was, it was the wrong tactic to try on Amanda. 

Despite the woman’s well-rehearsed sensuality, Amanda could only see the act she was putting on to make money. She had stood on the other side of that bar, listened to the night porters as they shared tips for seducing every lonely traveler who wandered into their bar. She couldn't be wooed by false eyelashes and soft glances any more than she could be wooed by strong arms and monetary incentive.

“No offense, truly, I mean no offense,” Amanda said, “but you’re not exactly what I’m looking for.” 

“No offense taken.” The bartender stood up straight, her voice deepening as she accepted that Amanda wouldn’t be the source of her night’s income. “We all have our own desires.” She pointed across the bar to a muscular Irathient night porter who reminded Amanda a bit of Sukar. “How about him?”

“Better,” she said as she appraised the undeniably attractive man whose kind eyes could surely bring out a woman’s hidden desires, “but he’s not exactly what I’m looking for either.”

“No?” 

“No.”

“You’re a particular one, huh?” she asked, and with the seduction attempt behind them, she started to seem genuine, like someone Amanda could actually befriend. Perceptive and honest, like Kenya at her age.

“Yeah, I guess I am.”

“So, what do you want?”

Amanda let out a laugh. She’d been hit on by strangers more in one day than she had in the past year. “You know something… you’re the second person who’s asked me that today.”

“And what did you tell the other person?”

Amanda scrunched her face as she admitted she had told him, “To fuck off, basically.”

The bartender laughed in amusement. “Is that what you’re going to tell me to do?”

“No.” Amanda shook her head. “I wouldn't say that to you.”

“Why not?”

“Because you remind me of my sister, but mostly because you can take a hint.”

“Oof,” the bartender tilted her head to the side. “Low bar.” 

“And yet,” Amanda said, “it’s one so many people fail to meet.” 

“Don’t I know it.” She smiled in solidarity as she stared at Amanda with more intensity than she had when she was trying to pick her up.

“What?” Amanda squirmed under the scrutiny. “Something in my teeth?”

“No, something in your eyes, something missing.” A curious expression transformed her face. “People come here when they’re lonely, and if you didn’t come here for sex, then I figure you must have come here because you need to talk to someone.”

“I have friends I can talk to,” Amanda said defensively. “In fact, I’ve been doing more of that this week than I have in months.”

“Maybe so, but sometimes you need a stranger who doesn’t know your life. A stranger who works in a brothel and won’t judge you. A stranger who won’t be turned off by the answer to the question you refuse to answer.”

“Which question?”

“What do you want?” 

“The answer to that question isn’t the great secret you seem to think it is,” Amanda said. “No embarrassing kinks, no married lover I’m pining after. I just want someone I won’t find in this bar. That’s all.” 

“Oh.” She flashed a sympathetic smile as she refilled Amanda's glass. “Someone who calls you sweetheart.”

“He called lots of people sweetheart.” A nostalgic smile played at her lips as she remembered Nolan calling Connor sweetheart. She couldn’t imagine anyone in New York daring to call him that, and if she hadn’t been on the brink of death at the time, she would have stopped to appreciate it.

“And you still love him,” she stated. A fact. Not a question.

“Yeah.” 

“But he doesn’t love you?”

“No, it’s not that, not at all.” Amanda smiled with confidence. “I suppose I should pretend to be humble and not assume words he never said, but I know he loves me… or he did… but it’s complicated because he’s… he’s gone, and I don’t think he’s ever coming back.” 

“I’m sorry.” The bartender squeezed Amanda’s shoulder the way Amanda always used to squeeze Kenya’s after she went through yet another brutal breakup. “But you'll be ok. I know we just met, but I can see it in your eyes. You’re strong.” 

“I am.” Amanda gently squeezed the woman’s hand before she removed it from Amanda’s shoulder. “And it’s getting better.”

“Really?” the woman asked with a skeptical expression.

“No,” Amanda let out a pained laugh, tears once again stinging at her eyes. “But I’m hoping if I say that enough times, it’ll become true.”

“It will.”  

“If not, there’s always denial,” Amanda joked as she gathered her thoughts.“It’s just that I’ve been avoiding talking about him for months, and now that I’ve started, it seems it’s all I can talk about. All I can think about. I feel like I’m stuck on a roller coaster. Professionally, I’m doing better than ever, but personally, I just want to go home and cry, and I have this huge, important speech to give in a few days that’s only half written because I keep thinking about him and about what I’ve lost instead of thinking about what everyone else needs.”

“Why are you worried about everyone else instead of yourself? Honey, if you need a good cry, go home, and let it out.”

“That’s not an option,” Amanda said. “I’m the mayor. Caring about everyone else is my job. I need to sacrifice myself so they can be happy. I’d die for this town if I had to.” 

“Wait, you’re Amanda Rosewater?”

“Guilty. 

“Oh.” The bartender perked up, and pride washed over Amanda. “People seem to love you here,” she added. Amanda had worked her entire life to hear comments like that, and it gave her a rush like few things in life ever could.

“See,” Amanda said. “I’m not a total drunken mess. I may have no personal life to speak of, but I am an  _ excellent  _ mayor.”

“So I’ve heard. They say you saved this town with the help of that Indogene doctor and your boyfri…” she trailed off, the puzzle pieces falling together in her mind with a surge of emotion running across her face. Everyone knew Amanda’s story. She had no secrets.

“Nolan,” Amanda said. “My bo..est friend.”

“The guy they named the arch after.” 

“That’s the one.”

“The stories about him are almost unbelievable,” she said. “One of the Defiant Few. A ruthless villain turned father and hero. They say he died once and came back to life, that he survived months trapped underground in old St. Louis. Is any of that true?”

“All of it.” Amanda grinned, proud to have known him. “That’s Nolan.”

“Sounds like the kind of guy you don’t give up on. You sure he’s not coming back, absolutely, positively sure?“

“I…” Amanda shook her head, unable to give her usual denial. With an unsteady voice, she said, “I can’t be 100% sure of anything.”

“Then don’t give up on him,” she insisted. 

“Easier said than done. The man is trapped on a spaceship, god knows where, and I can’t put my life on hold waiting for him when I know the odds aren’t good.”

“Is there someone else? Something you’re not doing because he isn’t here?”

“No,” Amanda said, frowning as she realized that all this time she had been so terrified of letting herself fall apart like she had when Kenya left that she hadn’t stopped to realize she was in no danger of that happening. This was nothing like Kenya. She wasn’t living someone else’s life, wasn’t stuck in limbo, wasn’t getting high to avoid her pain (only slightly drunk, but that was one demon she wasn’t going to vanquish anytime soon). “I guess you’re right. I’m not putting anything on hold. In fact, I’m thriving in so many ways, and I’m not looking for anyone new to fill his place in my life, not anytime soon.” 

“Then why have you given up on him?” She paused, looking into Amanda’s eyes with wisdom beyond her years. “Oh, I see now… you’re one of those pessimists, one of those people who thinks everything’s always doomed.”

“I am not,” Amanda said defensively. “I’m the eternal optimist. Ask anyone. I had faith in this town when no one else did, and it’s still standing. I admit that I faltered for a moment. I almost gave up, but in the end, I was right to believe we’d survive, and it’s given me more optimism for this town than I’ve ever had before, more confidence in these people and in my ability to lead than I’ve ever had before.” 

“But none for him?”

Amanda let out a breath, her mind scrambling through her darkest feelings for an answer to the question before she finally said, “It’s not him I don’t have any optimism for.” She took a deep breath. “It’s me. He’s not coming back to me because no one ever does. My mother, my sister… everyone I love leaves, and they don’t come back. It’s like the universe is out to get me, so of course, he’s not coming back. Even if he’s alive, he’s not coming back to me.”

“The universe isn’t out to get anyone,” she said, “least of all you, so let me give you the advice I think you need more than you’re willing to admit…  You need to believe in him, but most of all, you need to believe in yourself because if you can’t do that, no one else will.”

“That... is surprisingly good advice.” 

“I know.” She smirked before turning serious. “I just have one more question for you.” 

“What’s that?”

“What do you want? No beating around the bush. No vague answers. What do you want?”

“I want Nolan to come home,” she answered without hesitation, without tears in her eyes. “I want to tell him I love him, and I want him standing at my side when the next big crisis comes to town because I know it will, and I’ll need him, but above all else, I just want believe in him the way he deserves because if he can survive death, he can survive space. I want to have that kind of optimism.” 

“And you can. You just need to let yourself believe that you can be as happy as you believe everyone else can be.” She smiled like she was about to say more, but then a customer flagged her down, and all she said was, “Sorry. Duty calls.”

“Of course. Thank you. Go. Do your job.” 

“And if you ever need to talk to a non-judgmental face, I’m here,” she added with a smile. 

“Thank you,” Amanda repeated before taking a sip from her glass. 

For the first time, Amanda entertained the idea that maybe she shouldn’t have given up on Nolan so quickly, that maybe it wasn’t him she had given up on, that maybe she should have listened to Irisa all those months ago. She wasn’t ready to say with certainty that they would find their happily ever after, but she was finally ready to have a conversation she had long avoided.

“Hey,” a familiar voice said from behind her. 

“Speak of the Devil,” Amanda said as she turned to see Irisa approaching her... returning from the second floor of the NeedWant. 

That was unexpected.


	4. Chapter 4

“I guess things didn’t go so well with Berlin.” Amanda arched her eyebrows knowingly as Irisa ordered a drink. “Unless she was up there with you.” Amanda beamed, playfully adding, “those two-for-one deals are no joke.”

“Huh?” Irisa pulled the umbrella out of her drink and tossed it aside like it had personally offended her.

“You know…” Amanda nodded in the direction of the staircase. “There's only one thing that goes on up there.”

“Lots of things go on up there,” Irisa said. “Night Porters are creative people.”

Amanda smiled as she watched Irisa take a cautious sip and asked, “So, did you experience any of that creativity first hand… by maybe, oh, I don’t know, having sex with a night porter yourself?”

“No,” Irisa replied, utterly unoffended by Amanda’s question.

“It’s ok if you did,” Amanda said. “I’m not your mother, and Berlin’s an adult who can deal with heartbreak... Well...” Amanda bobbed her head from side to side, remembering Berlin’s proclivity for punching people in the face. “She’ll handle it in her own way, and you know that I care about you both, so I’d never choose sides, and I also won’t lecture you for enjoying yourself in an establishment I own.”

Irisa took a second, less hesitant sip, watching Amanda through an unreadable expression.

“I gave Kenya enough lectures,” Amanda continued, “and she never listened to a single one. I know better now. I’ve learned and grown as a person.”

Irisa waited until Amanda finished talking to set her glass down and say, “Berlin told me how she felt.”

“That’s good!” A wave of relief coursed through Amanda’s veins. While it was true that Berlin could handle herself, Amanda would have hated to see her get hurt in love… again. Her rebound with Conrad had left more scars than she cared to admit, and Amanda hadn’t seen Irisa with anyone since Tommy. The idea that her two lonely friends could find love and happiness in this fucked up world meant more to her than she could say.

“It is,” Irisa said. “It’s good.”

“And?”

“And… that’s it,” Irisa said. “Everything’s fine. End of story.”

“I’m glad.” Amanda smiled and made a mental note to get the juicy details out of Berlin later. Now that her relationship was out in the open, they were due for a good drunken girls night. She’d just have to encourage Berlin to keep a few of the gorier details to herself. Berlin’s open book attitude towards sex became slightly less entertaining when it involved Nolan’s daughter.

“I’m glad too.” Irisa smiled with a shy coyness that said far more about her feelings than her words had, “and besides,” she continued, “paying for sex isn't for me.”

“Yeah,” Amanda agreed. “Me either.”

“Really?” Irisa asked. “You never take advantage of an owner’s discount?”

“Nope.”

“Why own a brothel if you don't enjoy it?” Irisa glanced at Amanda quizzically. “Why keep it like this when you could turn it into something else, something like a library. Defiance needs a library.”

Amanda held up her glass and said, “They don't serve scotch in libraries.”

“Then it could be a regular bar and hotel.”

“No.” Amanda shook her head. “This is Kenya’s legacy. I could never bring myself to change it. I just hope I never sink so low that I end up working here again.”

“It was weird seeing you like that.”

“I was a fucking disaster in heels. Well, a hot disaster, but definitely a disaster.”

“The first time I saw you in that outfit…” Irisa glanced to the side, hiding the sadness in her eyes. “It felt like I was stuck in a nightmare.”

“I’m not a psychiatrist, Irisa, but that feeling may have had more to do with a machine manipulating you than the amount of cleavage I was showing.”

“It was both,” Irisa said, meeting Amanda’s gaze. “It was everything. In nightmares, the whole world can go wrong in an instant for no reason. But it’s not supposed to be like that in real life. I’ve fucked up many times, and I’ve watched Nolan fuck up even more times, but everything doesn’t break all at once… only it did. Everything broke the day you lost the election and Nolan died.”

“I guess you’re right.” Amanda sighed. “We collectively lost everything.”

Irisa gave a subtle nod.

“And working as a madam after losing my job and my sister really was my worst nightmare.” Amanda laughed to relieve the tension brought on by painful memories. “You should have seen me the first night I worked here.” She shook her head, ashamed to admit how low she had sunk. “I ransacked Kenya’s closet, but I had to get high as a kite to pretend I didn’t hate it. I just didn’t understand prostitution, but Kenya’s night porters trusted me because I was her sister, so I put on a smile and did my best to help them without ever partaking myself.”

“I’m sorry you had to do that.”

“I got used to it, and besides, it’s not the worst thing I’ve ever done.” Amanda looked into Irisa’s eyes, considering elaborating on the statement, but deciding against it. “It was just sex, right?” She smiled. “Makes the world go ‘round.”

“Still… you shouldn’t have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I like sex… just not paying for it,” Amanda said. “Hell, I’ve never even had a proper one night stand.”

“For what it’s worth,” Irisa said. “It isn’t that great. It’s good, and it’s fun, but it’s not worth losing your sense of self over.”

Amanda raised an eyebrow. Intriguing.

“What?” Irisa asked.

“You can't leave me hanging like that.”

“Fine.” Irisa smiled, a hint of playfulness in her eyes. “Not my mother, no judgement, right?”

Amanda gave Irisa a single nod of the head. “Right.”

“The truth is, before Defiance, that’s the only type of sex I ever had, and it was fun, distracting mostly. Perfect if that's all you're looking for, and at the time, that's all I was looking for, but sometimes I used people to feel better about myself, and that never worked.”

“I imagine Nolan wasn’t too happy with you learning those lessons the hard way.”

“Probably not,” Irisa said, “but he didn’t stop me from living my life... as long as I wasn’t trying to get myself killed.” A nostalgic smile crossed her face. “I had a pretty bad temper at 18. I decided that I was an adult, and if he tried to stop me from doing anything, I would just sulk away and not talk to him for two days.”

“Very mature.”

“I know.” Her cheeks turned pink with embarrassment. “But Nolan and I didn’t actively keep secrets. There were absolutely subjects we never talked about, but he knew what I was doing as much as I knew why he would stop in the local brothel. Business arrangements were easy for him. No feelings. No hassle. No trouble… and trust me, when he was left alone in a town with nothing to do, he’d find the woman who would cause him the most trouble.”

Amanda smiled. “Sounds like Nolan.”

“I think I spent two straight years rolling my eyes at him. My father had no middle ground. He would either fall for a woman who he’d regret leaving behind, or he’d wake up from a one night stand with a gun to his head… which is why visiting a brothel was the safest choice for him.”

Amanda laughed with more enthusiasm that the story warranted, but she needed to hear a light-hearted tale about Nolan’s antics.

“Looking back, sometimes it actually was funny,” Irisa said in reaction to Amanda’s laughter. “I didn’t see it that way at the time, but I never had a problem falling for one night stands, and if I slept with someone married, well… I never found out.”

“Did you ever want something more?”

“No. I was convinced I’d spend my entire life as an ark hunter… but Nolan thought about other options.”

“Antarctica,” Amanda said.

“That, and…” Irisa paused like she was holding back a secret she wasn’t sure she should share. “Did he ever tell you that there was another town before Defiance?”

“No,” Amanda said, “he didn’t.”

“I was 12,” Irisa said, and Amanda noted that it was the same age Irisa was when she wrote her love letter. “And Nolan thought I should go to school, so he found a little town that actually had a school _claiming_ to accept Irathient children. He met a woman, and he probably could have had something real with her if he had stayed. I didn’t get it then. I didn’t understand how he could be happy living there because I got in trouble, and I hated it, so we left, and we didn’t stop traveling until we ended up here.”

“And you finally found a home,” Amanda said.

Irisa shook her head. “I wish it were that easy, but we never wanted the same things. I only stayed here for him… to make up for the time I made him leave.”

“And now?” Amanda asked, almost afraid of the answer, afraid another person she cared about might be planning to leave her. “He’s gone… so are you still trying to leave town?”

“No,” Irisa said with confidence. “I finally realized why Nolan liked it here.

“And why’s that?”

“Because shooting hellbugs in the badlands is like paying for sex. It’s a fun thrill, but you can’t base your life on it. The badlands are where you go for adventure. Defiance is where yo go to live.”

“Even with the constant threats?” Amanda asked. “You’re putting your life on the line every day you’re working as a lawkeeper. Is that so much better than putting your life on the line shooting hellbugs and ark hunting? It certainly pays better than lawkeeping.”

“It’s not about how I might die,” Irisa said. “It’s about how I’m living. Lawkeeping gives me that thrill if I need it, but there’s a purpose to it. I’m helping people. At least I’m trying to help them.” She paused, looking into Amanda’s eyes. “And I want to be happy.” She took a breath as she searched for her next words. “I lost my father, but he gave me a home before he left, and I wish I could tell him how grateful I am for that.”

“I’m grateful for that too,” Amanda said. “And thank you for staying.”

“I should be thanking you for giving me a chance to redeem myself,” Irisa said. “I just wish he was here to see it.”

Amanda swallowed the lump in her throat and managed to say, “me too.”

“I’ve lived with him most of my life. Feels so empty without him around.” Irisa grabbed her drink to hide her pain. A lost child, alone in the world.

Amanda instinctively wrapped her arm around Irisa’s shoulders. “I may not be your mother, but we are family.” She squeezed Irisa tightly. “You can come to me anytime you need to.”

“Even now?”

“Of course,” Amanda said as she pulled away from the hug. “I meant what I said.”

“So you’ll tell me the truth?”

“About…?”

“Do you actually think he’s dead?” Irisa looked away, her voice unusually quiet. “When I first told you what happened, you said you thought he was dead, and you’ve been refusing to even talk to me about it ever since.” She met Amanda’s gaze. “Have you changed your mind?”

“The truth?”

Irisa nodded, a hint of fear in her large eyes.

Amanda took a deep breath. “I actually may have changed my mind… but I’m not supposed to be a romantic remember?”

“Who gives a shtak about what you’re supposed to be?” Irisa snapped

“I do,” Amanda said.

“So stop.”

Amanda let out a noise that was somewhere between a sob and a laugh. “I can’t stop. I can’t change everything about myself as easily as I change my shoes.”

“Of course you can,” Irisa said. “I feel like I’ve been 5 different people in the three years I’ve lived here.”

“That’s different.”

“How?”

“It just is.” Amanda shrugged. “I’m the mayor. I need to be logical and reasonable.”

“Why?”

Amanda shook her head, a small laugh escaping her throat. “You can be extremely frustrating sometimes, you know that?”

“Sometimes you have to be frustrating to get people to say what they need to say.”

“And what do I need to say?”

“That he’s alive.”

“Ok, then I need you to give me one good reason why I should think that.”

“Because _I need you_ to say it,” Irisa said, her voice rising with every word.

Amanda’s stomach flipped, and her heart broke as Irisa pulled away, regret clouding her eyes.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped like that,” Irisa said.

“No, Irisa, don’t. Don’t be sorry.” Amanda squeezed Irisa’s shoulder, feeling like the worst person in the world. “I’m sorry that I let all my personal baggage cloud my judgement. I’m sorry that I gave up on him, but most of all, I’m sorry I let it form a divide between us.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“Actually, it is my fault because you’re right. I have no proof he’s dead, no idea what happened to that spaceship, but I do know Nolan. He’s proven that he can survive anything… so I don’t know why I tormented myself by insisting he died when I could just as easily insist on his survival. It’s so easy to imagine him living out an outrageous adventure with Doc Yewll at his side.”

“Waking up with a gun pointed to his head.”  A hint of a smile tugged at Irisa’s lips. “Doc saving his ass.”

“Well.” Amanda frowned. “If I’m making up stories about Nolan’s adventures, they’re not going to involve waking up in bed with random women.”

“Ok,” Irisa said, her smile growing. “Not that.”

“But definitely something equally Nolan.”


	5. Chapter 5

“Good Morning!” Amanda burst into the lawkeeper’s office with an unbridled sense optimism that she hadn’t felt in years. Her entire life was rapidly falling into place. She just needed answers to two crucial questions. “What would you die for?” 

Berlin blinked twice before saying, “I haven’t even had breakfast yet. Can this wait? I’m not big on sacrificing myself before I’ve eaten.”

“It can’t wait.” Amanda shook her head, impatiently shifting her feet. “I already waited until morning.”

“You’re not fishing for me to say that I’d die for you, are you?” Berlin arched an eyebrow. “Because I’ve had relationships like that, and let me tell you, they’re generally horribly dysfunctional.” 

“Cut the crap, Berlin. I’m serious.”

“Ok.” Berlin narrowed her eyes. “But first I need to know why you waited all night to ask me what I’d die for… wait… shtak… is another Omec invasion coming? I know the Spirit Riders reported strange activity a few miles out, but I thought it was a bit of razor rain.” Berlin stood and instinctively reached for her gun to protect herself. “I’m-”

“Calm down.” Amanda gave Berlin a reassuring look and removed the gun from her hands. “This is all hypothetical. Nobody’s trying to kill you. At least that I know of.” 

“Don’t scare me like that.” Berlin took a deep breath before continuing. “So if I’m not facing imminent death again, why did you rush in here first thing in the morning to ask me what I’d die for?”

“Because Irisa and I didn’t leave the NeedWant until after midnight, and I figured you’d rather sleep than answer my questions. I was being considerate.”

“Not quite the question I was asking, but thank you for being considerate.” Berlin tilted her head to the side. “Have you slept at all?”

“No.” Amanda shook her head. “Couldn’t sleep. I tried, but last night I realized something I couldn’t see two years ago. I finally have the inspiration for my speech, and had to write it down before I forgot that feeling, before I started to doubt myself.”

“And what exactly did you realize?” 

“I can’t tell you that. Not yet.” Amanda shook her head again. She was starting to feel like a bobblehead doll. She was on her third wave of energy and certain to crash before noon. “I just need you to answer my question. That’s it.” 

“Ok,” Berlin said cautiously. “I guess I’d die… to keep the world safe, to protect the people I care about.”

“Good answer.” 

“Thanks…” Berlin looked at Amanda like she was considering dragging her into Samir’s office to have her head examined.

“Just one more question,” Amanda said.

“Fine, hit me, but if you ask me what I’d kill for, we might be here a while. I have a ranked list in my desk drawer.” 

“I’m not interested in death, not anymore. Those kinds of questions - what would you die for, what would you kill for - those are the old way of thinking. It’s time to focus on life, not death - I want to know what you’re living for.” 

“What I’m living for...” 

“Don’t overthink it. Just tell me what you’re living for,” Amanda said. “What’s the first thing that pops into your head? Why do you get out of bed every morning?”

“Because if I don’t go to work you’ll fire me, and if you fire me, I won’t have any money, and then I’ll have to live on the streets, and I refuse to go back to that life.”

“Come on, Berlin. I’m serious.”

“So am I, but fine, I guess… I just want to make this town a better place to live, the kind of place people can be happy and feel safe. That’s why I installed all those cameras around town when I was in the E-Rep, and I know that’s not your style. I know you won’t let me reinstall them, but I still want people to feel safe, and I’m determined to figure out how to do that, with or without my cameras.”

“Because you never want anyone else to feel as hopeless and alone as you felt as a kid, right?”

“Well, yeah, of course. No one deserves to feel like that.”

“But what about you. What do you want for yourself?”

“I want a lot of things. More money, a less drafty apartment, love, good sex… but I guess if I had to say one thing - one thing I want above everything else - I want to be happy.” A softness shone in Berlin’s eyes as she said, “isn’t that what everyone wants?”

“Yeah, it is.” Amanda smiled. It was exactly the answer she had hoped for. “And it’s what Irisa said too.”  

“So why were you two in the NeedWant in the middle of the night?”

“We finally had the conversation I put off for too long.”

“Good.” Berlin gave Amanda a quick, knowing smile. “You both needed it.”

“We did,” Amanda said. “And I hear you two also had a much-needed conversation.”

“Yeah.” 

“You worked everything out?”

“We did.” Berlin smiled and shuffled the papers on her desk, avoiding Amanda’s gaze.

“That’s it?” Amanda tilted her head in an attempt to get a better look at Berlin’s face. 

“What else are you expecting?” 

“I don’t know, but when you finally gave in to your fantasies by paying for an hour with that cute night porter, you told me everything. And I do mean everything. You asked me to meet you in the NeedWant before you went upstairs so I’d be there when your hour was up. And when you came down those stairs with a grin on your face, the first thing you told me was the shape of the birthmark on his ass.” 

“It was a good birthmark.” A satisfied smile crossed Berlin’s face. “And a good ass.” 

“So I’ve heard.”

“But I wouldn’t think you’d want to know everything about Irisa.”

“I don't need to know everything, but something would be nice. I need gossip. I can’t live vicariously through you when you don't tell me anything.”

“If you insist.” Berlin bit her lip until a giddy smile parted her lips. “So, we went back to my place - because despite her claims that the thing in her room is an actual bed, she basically sleeps on the floor and I cannot ever get used to that - and then one thing led to another.”

“Fade to black, happily ever after,” Amanda filled in the blanks.

“I wouldn’t go that far.” 

“How far would you go?”

“Well, Irisa did do this thing with her tongue.” Berlin gave Amanda the same smile she had when talking about her night porter’s ass. “She always says she doesn’t date, but the woman knows what she’s doing. And she has those freckles everywhere on her body. Like a star map.”

“Ok, yeah.” Amanda grimaced. “Didn’t want to know that about Irisa.”

“You asked,” Berlin said through a devious grin.

“I did.” Amanda sighed. Sometimes best friends were the most insufferable people in your life, and you loved them for it. “This is entirely on me.”

Amanda yawned, and Berlin commanded her to, “Go home. Sleep.”

“Good idea. I think I’m finally crashing. Talk later.” She smiled and began turning away when a thought popped into her head. “Your list of people to kill - was Irisa ever on it?”

“Don’t worry.” Berlin smiled. “I crossed her name off months ago, before we even started sleeping together.”

“Good.” Amanda gave Berlin a single nod of her head, intending to leave when yet another question popped into her head. “Was I ever on it?”

“Only for a week.” 

Amanda arched her eyebrows.

“After that disastrous date you fixed me up on.” 

“Right.” Amanda grimaced. “I brought that one on myself too.”

“Yeah, you did, but,” Berlin paused, making Amanda wait for the whatever juicy detail would follow. “That was the night I first got together with Irisa.”

“Really?”

“Yep.” 

Amanda reached for a chair. “I need to hear that story.” 

“No, you need to sleep.” Berlin pulled the chair away from Amanda. “You look like you’re going to pass out.” 

“Fine, but you will tell me later.” 

“Oh, absolutely.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story Berlin is talking about is this fic [ Kissing Frogs ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16959750)


	6. Chapter 6

On the day of Amanda’s speech, she slept better than she had in weeks, waking up before her alarm with enough confidence to conquer the world. She braided her hair, smoothed her new skirt, and slipped into her favorite jacket - the one with the blue sleeve that reminded her she could survive anything and come out stronger on the other side. And then, with a sigh, she reached for the buzzing hailer on her dresser. Her life would never be without distractions.

“What’s up?” she asked as she slid into her too-tight shoes with a wince. “It better be good if you’re calling me right now.”

“Something’s going on out here,” said the stasis net guard before launching into an unnecessarily detailed description of everything he could see through his binoculars. 

“I’ll send Irisa right away,” Amanda said before slipping her hailer into her pocket. 

As urgent as the guard had made it seem, Amanda wasn’t particularly worried about the Spirit Riders. Their relationship with Defiance had improved significantly since she had taken office, and she had no doubt they could resolve whatever conflict might arise between them.

With a final glance in the mirror before racing out the door, she smiled and gave her reflection a single nod of the head. “You got this.”

 

“Hey.” Amanda rushed into the lawkeeper's office, catching her breath after a run through gravel streets in a pair of heels she hadn’t worn since her days at the NeedWant, but Irisa was so absorbed by drawing a portrait in her journal that she didn’t seem to notice Amanda's presence.

Amanda looked over Irisa’s shoulder at Berlin’s smiling face on the page. “That’s really good.”

“Thanks.” Irisa moved her pencil across the page a few more times before turning her attention to Amanda. “You're dressed up.”

“Speech,” Amanda reminded her. 

“Right. Shouldn’t you be outside with your loyal subjects?” 

“There’s always an emergency.” Amanda exchanged a knowing smile with Irisa. “The guards at the stasis nets are insisting we need to talk with the Spirit Riders before we let them in town - make sure nothing catastrophic is happening on our doorstep. Think you can check it out?”

“Yeah,” Irisa grabbed her knives and bounded for the door.

“Don’t you want to know the details before you go?” 

With a smirk, Irisa said, “more fun to find out when I get there.”

“Be careful!” Amanda called as she examined Irisa’s drawing in more detail. She had brought Berlin’s attitude to life on the page more impressively than Amanda had ever seen. It almost seemed a shame that Irisa spent all day working with criminals instead of making a living on her talent, but Amanda figured Irisa’s temperament was probably better suited to handcuffing people than appeasing their vanity on paper. 

“There you are.” Amanda’s assistant, Bailey, entered the room with an exasperated sigh. According to Bailey, half her job consisted of keeping track of Amanda who she claimed was always anywhere but her office when she was needed most. “Ready?”

“As I’ll ever be.” Amanda took a deep breath to calm the nerves that threatened to destroy her confidence. “All these years as mayor and I still hate giving speeches more than facing an army at my doorstep. Think that will ever change?”

“Never,” Bailey said. 

“I need to have hope for personal improvement,” Amanda said. “Can’t you lie to me?” 

Bailey tilted her head to the side and gave Amanda a motherly smile. “Never.”

“Fine.” Amanda straightened her shoulders and buried her nerves. “But aren’t politicians supposed to have enablers for friends? Why are mine so annoyingly honest?”

“You love us.”

“Sometimes.” Amanda smiled. “But right now I could really use those enablers. How much do those cost to hire?” 

Bailey let out an exasperated sigh. “Come on. You’ve got a speech to give.” 

Amanda stood tall and worked her way into Darby square with Bailey at her side. The crisp autumn air smelled of fragrant flowers and newly fallen leaves. The perfect day to shake hands and smile at every citizen who greeted her. The political side of her brain reminded her that it never hurt to start running for reelection early, but she wasn’t merely engaging in a ploy for votes. Watching her people smile and laugh gave her the intense satisfaction she thrived on. It gave her life meaning and purpose.

“People of Defiance,” she said when she finally made her way to the stage, facing the largest crowd since her first stint in office. 

“For years I have stood behind this podium, begging you to fight for this town, convincing you it’s worth dying for. And without your sacrifices, this town would have fallen to the Volge, to the E-Rep, to the Votanis Collective.” She beamed, her heart swelling with pride. “But we did it. We won.”

People nodded and smiled in recognition of their sacrifices, in recognition of their achievements.

“So I want to thank you, each and every one of you because not a single one of us could have done it alone.” Amanda led the crowd in a round of applause before continuing. 

“I, like so many of you standing here today, thought I might not survive these endless threats, and truthfully…” She paused to take a deep breath, suddenly afraid to share her soul with the people she needed to inspire. “I wanted to die,” Amanda stated. “I thought my life could never have meaning if I happily lived to an old age. I thought that if I asked all of you to die for this town, then I  _ deserved  _ to die for it too.” 

Her words earned a sympathetic nod from a town plagued by survivor’s guilt, and a weight was lifted from Amanda’s shoulders. No one had thrown tomatoes at her honesty. No one had mumbled judgemental words under their breath. 

“But I survived,” Amanda continued. “ _ We _ survived.” She surveyed the crowd, her nerves giving way to a sense of empowerment. “And it’s time to stop thinking like that. It’s time to stop believing death is the only noble choice. So today, I’m not asking you to die for this town. I’m asking you to live for it because our loved ones sacrificed their lives for our future, a future that is finally here, and I refuse to let them down.”

“It’s-” A commotion broke out in the back the crowd, derailing Amanda’s train of thought. Her stomach flipped, and she furrowed her brow, but she forced herself to push forward with her speech. “We owe it to them to prosper in this town. We owe it to ourselves.” 

An unintelligible murmur grew louder, and Amanda’s heart raced with the fear her speech wasn’t landing like she had hoped it would, that she had said something more controversial than she realized.

“It’s time to think about the future,” she said, her confidence failing, her words stumbling. “It’s time to think about the world we want to live in and the world we want to leave behind.”

The crowd began to part, but the sun obscured Amanda’s vision.

“Because...” she tried to continue, but no one was listening to her, so she stepped away from the podium and shielded her eyes from the bright sun. With her vision clear, she finally understood why no one gave a shtak about her speech. The instant she saw a flash of familiar red, she no longer gave a shtak about it. Irisa was pushing through the crowd, her small frame hugging her father’s torso as they walked. Doc Yewll followed behind, scowling at the unwanted attention.

“Because this is a town worth living for,” she said, proudly giving the last line of her speech despite being too far from the mic for anyone but those closest to the stage to hear. 

As Nolan made his way to the stage, Irisa untangled her arms from his and moved to stand beside Berlin and Alak. Amanda could feel the crowd turn their attention towards her, waiting for her reaction, but the world had grown silent, drowned out by the thudding of her pulse in her ears. 

She stepped forward, her body moving faster than her mind. The crowd parted to let her pass, their adoring smiles growing in anticipation of a sweeping romantic moment. She never talked about her relationship with Nolan publicly, but it seemed the entire town not only knew how she felt about him, but from the supportive words they uttered after he left, they had even assumed she and Nolan had been together for years. 

“Hi,” she whispered, her eyes focused on the dated, mismatched clothing he wore. His appearance sent a million questions racing through her mind about where he had been, but as soon as she met his gaze, he pulled her into a hug, and all those questions disappeared from her thoughts. It didn’t matter where he’d been, only that he didn’t stay there.

“You came back.” She stood on her toes, happy tears glistening in her eyes as she wrapped her arms around his neck. Even in 4-inch heels she couldn’t stand eye to eye with him. It used to annoy her, but after spending months believing she’d never see those blue eyes again, she relished in it.

“I always do.” A playfully smug smile crossed his face. “But you knew that all along. I should have believed you. I should  _ always  _ believe you.”

“I’m always right,” she lied, and through a smile, she asked, “But what the hell are you wearing?” 

He placed a strong hand on her hip, steadying her from any risk of tipping over. “I had to improvise. In case you don’t remember, you bled all over the only shirt I took with me.” He looked into her eyes and gave her a questioning smile that sent tingles down her spine. “You don’t approve?”

She ran her fingers along his shirt collar. “Oh, I very much approve.” He could have returned to Defiance covered in mud and dressed in a potato sack, and Amanda would have earnestly declared that he was the best thing she had ever seen. 

“Bullshit,” he said. “I look like an idiot.” And without waiting for a response, he kissed her with the same urgency she felt after the months they spent apart, months spent fearing memories were all that remained of their relationship.

“Woo!” A voice in the crowd shouted, and Amanda pulled away from Nolan with an embarrassed laugh. 

“We can resume that later.” Nolan winked. “In private.”

Amanda nodded, still fighting a laugh as she buried her face against his chest until the burning in her cheeks subsided. 

She scrambled to figure out what to say to everyone next. This wasn’t part of her plan for the day, but she didn’t need to say anything. As soon as Amanda pulled away from Nolan, a reporter rushed toward him with a million questions pouring from her mouth. She looped one arm around Nolan and the other around Doc Yewll, leading their confounded faces away for an interview before they could make up a reason to decline her request. No one cared what Amanda had to say after two people returned from space.

“Cockblocked by a reporter.” Berlin shook her head sympathetically as she and Irisa meandered towards her. “Add that to my list of reasons they are the worst.”

Amanda gave Berlin a look before turning to Irisa. “You were right. He’s alive.” 

“I know my father,” she said, a soft smile on her lips. 

“And I should have trusted you on that.”

“It’s ok,” Irisa said. “All that matters is he’s home.”

“Yes.” Amanda’s smile grew, her body more relaxed than it had been in years. “He’s home.”

“Oh, come on.” Berlin nudged Irisa in the shoulder. “That’s it? Aren’t you going to gloat? I would gloat.” 

“Not all of us are that competitive about everything,” Amanda teased. 

“You are,” Berlin said. “You’re more competitive than everyone here combined.”

“I didn’t say  _ I _ was the one of us who wasn’t.” 

Berlin scrunched her nose playfully at Amanda before asking Irisa, “So how did you find him?”

“He and Doc crashed in the Badlands, so the Spirit Riders fixed them up and brought them back here.”

“But how’d they get back to Earth?” Berlin asked.

“The same type of pods we used to get on the Omec ship.” A nervous look flashed through Irisa’s eyes as she glanced between Berlin and Amanda. “They’re all back. Nolan, Doc… the Omec.”

Amanda arched an eyebrow and took a deep breath to stop the butterflies rapidly forming in her stomach. “The Omec too…”

Irisa nodded, her nervousness radiating from her body. 

“Don’t worry.” Amanda squeezed Irisa’s arm. “We’ll handle that better this time - I’ll find a way to make it work, I promise.” She turned to look at Nolan and the reporter. “I’ll get everything right this time.”   
  



End file.
